i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
