dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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