mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just want nice things and good sex
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
