a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
