I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
