you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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