Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
His hands were made for my vagina.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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