6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You're completely useless in the revolution.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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