just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
