So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
so much tequila, so little girl.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
