my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
