I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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