I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
