i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize
