pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
dude i'm inner monologue high
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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