my phone needs a breathalizer
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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