When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
