i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
