Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
