My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
