Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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