Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
