my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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