I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
