You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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