Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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