just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
