Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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