i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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