She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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