If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize