You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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