Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
They took my balls.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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