Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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