I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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