i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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