Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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