Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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