shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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