Farmville is her only friend.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
