There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
