I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize