I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
