I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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