I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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