I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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