if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
