sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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