before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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