I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
