Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
