Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
