Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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