I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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