hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
