omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
