just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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