my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
