so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize