im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
