Banned from zoo.
Again?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize