worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
